


Orc Thrakbog reads Pride & Prejudice

by streichzart



Series: book reading orc [1]
Category: Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen, Thrakbog the Slaughterer
Genre: Gen, Orcs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 07:56:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11801760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/streichzart/pseuds/streichzart
Summary: A blood thirsty orc is reading a regency romance novel. Not just any novel, no, he was told to read Pride & Prejudice and then give his opinion. This is an orcish approach to the famous love story.First person narrative from an orc's point of view.





	1. An orcish book review? Really?

**Author's Note:**

> Thrakbog comments chapter by chapter, you can go along with him.

First of all let me assure you that I’ve never read a single book in my life. Just to make sure that you see I’m not a sissy. I’m an orc, and orcs don’t read books. Ever. Having said that I have to admit that there are exceptions. I watched comrade Noden do it occasionally and found it mildly disturbing how he would totally get absorbed by it, completely ignoring his surroundings. Highly dangerous pastime, reading. His eyes would glaze over in a way they should only ever do when looking at my daughter, his wife. So he fancies books. It took me a while to see his qualities as a clever orc underneath all this sissiness.  
Now, thanks to a purely arbitrary act of a god I am capable of reading and writing myself. I find that I still don’t trust the whole bookish stuff but my human convinced me to give it a go. One of the rooms we currently share (alright, I occupy against her will) is filled with an endless number of books. Could be several dozen or hundreds. Remember, I’m not good with numbers. Human insists that it’s just an average number and that there are whole buildings filled with books, called libraries. I’ve heard of those. Where I come from that’s where the wizards go to study. Might have a look at the British Library to find a sorcerer later. For now one room filled with books should suffice. So she suggested I have a look at them and pick one that sounded interesting to me. I didn’t even know where to begin so she started to give me short summaries to narrow it down. Why one writes a long book when it could be summarized with a few words totally escapes me. After about half a dozen plots I got tired of it and picked one randomly (alright, it was the thinnest I could find on the shelf). Human began to laugh hysterically which is never a good sign and made me promise to read it to the last page. I agreed maybe a bit rashly, caught by my vanity. She pointed at the book and remarked how fitting this would be then. I read the words on the cover:

“Pride & Prejudice” by Jane Austen.  
Well, that sounded rather promising. There’s nothing wrong with being proud and life is certainly full of prejudices, which are quite useful when dealing with other races. I mean where would we be without all the drivel about elves and dwarves? It provides endless entertainment around the campfires. Also the alternative would be to actually speak to them. I mean, seriously?  
So, pride: good, prejudice: good. I began to like the book, even though a female auther was a bit dissappointing. What do they know that could be of interest to me? Still, I had high hopes for my only ever reading experience. Well, relatively speaking. I would have had much higher hopes if she had suggested a raid of the Tower of London.  
As I have not the slightest idea how one is to comment on a book while reading it I will just share my personal thoughts with you as I proceed through the text. Don’t expect too much though, thinking still feels rather unnatural to me.  
Oh, if you have not read this book, this whole business is probably not of interest to you. How dare you nod your head right now? Go, read the book, then come back. Or read it along with me and tell me what you think. If I can do it, so can you. Hehe.


	2. Read along part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thrakbog's view on the first 7 chapters of Pride & Prejudice

Chapter 1  
Obviously. I flipped through the pages and realized to my utter horror that there are more chapters than I can count. And it was such a thin book…  
Anyway, chapter one.  
I am very much with Mrs. Bennet here. Blessed (or rather cursed) with approximately five daughters myself I can absolutely relate to her problem. That she needs to urge her husband to get rid of the girls makes me wonder about his common sense.  
Other than that I am already confused with all the different names. I can hardly remember all the names of my own offspring (often enough I don’t). But I find it highly disturbing that the young man who’s going to live in the neighbourhood is totally oblivious to the dangers awaiting him. On the other hand, had he been warned, Mrs. Bennet wouldn’t stand the slightest chance to burden him with one of her girls.  
The strangest thing is this: although it is only written words I feel like I know exactly what Mrs. Bennet’s voice would sound like. And this makes me feel for her husband a bit as well (NOT in a sissy way, shut up!). If her voice hurts only half as much as my wives’ voices hurt in my ears, I can understand why he tries to avoid any form of conversation with her. Quietude is a blessing lost to all of us fathers.  
So, if you’ve read this chapter of Pride & Prejudice tell me what you think. I hope you are spared the disturbing images in your mind of orcs in regency dresses. I shall never recover from that.

Chapter 2  
Mr. Bennet’s common sense returned just in time. And yet he failed to secure the young man as his son-in-law. Maybe he should have threatened to offer all five girls at once. I assume that would have made Mr. Bingley more willing to pick at least one of them. Mr. Bennet is a weakling. On the other hand, I can perfectly understand that he cherishes a quiet house and doesn’t want to be bothered with such domestic stuff. Shouldn’t that be even more reason for him to press the matter? His wife is much more determined. Maybe the girls eat too much and leave not enough for herself. Also, there is no mention of sons. Why did Mr. Bennet not take more wives in order to get some boys?  
My human just informs me that polygamy is not allowed around here. Bugger.

Chapter 3  
So the girls are not allowed to visit the target by themselves? How stupid a rule is that? They seem eager enough to get out of the house, so by then they could have settled the whole business. The author didn’t think it through, obviously.  
Alright, the ball thing sounds like good fun. Wild dancing and lots of alcohol should finally do the trick. But why indoors? That would never leave enough space for the wild dances.  
Human just tells me that dancing in Ms. Austen’s world is much more prudish and demure. Don’t they ever have some real fun?  
Well, at least Mr. Bingley is entirely hooked and very willing to be trapped once and for all. But his friend, Mr. Darcy, is a prick. Maybe one day an angry god will teach him a lesson and bestow a clawful of daughters on him. Would serve him right. Prick.

Chapter 4  
Basically useless drivel. Yes, Ms. Austen, we all get it: rich and spoiled, that’s what prick Darcy is. Also: girl Jane and rich (and not spoiled) Bingley will shag each other senseless the moment they’re alone together. Not entirely useless then, this chapter.

Chapter 5  
More drivel.  
More names I will not remember.  
And how convincing is it anyway? To be up early in the morning after a feast is neither believable nor acceptable. Would never happen if this were an orc story.

Chapter 6  
More social gatherings, still no wild dancing, no drunken misbehaviour. Charlotte Lucas is a very sensible woman: happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance (and ear plugs).  
I found myself cheering dear Lizzy. I highly doubt that her course of action will ever procure her a husband which is rather selfish of her. She should think of her poor parents once in a while. But the way she handled that prat Darcy: adorable.  
Ah, I see. Darcy has a fling on the side with his friend’s sister. Lazy git. Not even willing to get his ass up to catch a wife. I think maybe he is frigid or something. A male human his age should think of nothing but shagging. Impotent prick. Lacking virility much?

Chapter 7  
An army is in town. Finally we’re getting to the fighting action. I was already a bit worried that this book contains nothing but girls seeking husbands.  
Hm, no action. I’m beginning to think that female intrigues are way beyond anything my brain can grasp. Faking an illness, faking to care for the sick sister, all very clever in order to get into the men’s house. I will have a word with my wives when I get home. Can’t be that so many things go on in my tent without me knowing about.  
Right, this is exhausting. I need a break and will do something orcish. I shall skip the wild dancing though (much to the relief of my human) and go directly for the copious amounts of alcohol.  
Oh, drunken bliss.


	3. Read along part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thrakbog's view on the chapters 8 - 15

Before I continue with my views on the book let me confide something.  
Reading about all of Mrs. Bennet’s daughters put me in a strange kind of mood. I miss them, my own daughters I mean. Not that I wish to be with them (my nerves are just as strained as poor Mrs. Bennet’s), but still. It’s not an easy task to find a proper husband for any of them. To be honest, I had left it mostly to themselves to find one. Well, I more or less pushed two of them into the tents of my friends (the tribe’s cleric and Noden). It goes like this: if they don’t get out immediately that counts as marriage. At least where I come from. This whole courtship-thingy sounds very tiresome. And it’s getting poor Mrs. Bennet nowhere. The husband is basically useless. I wonder if my wives regard me as such a lazy bugger. Should I have taken more responsibility to get rid of the girls? To be honest I don’t want to get rid of Shonka. She’ll make a great warrior one day, pretty much already is a frightful sight to behold. And she doesn’t fancy male orcs anyway. Oh, hang on! Maybe that’s at the root of Mr. Darcy’s problems with women. He might fancy his friend more than the ladies. Would explain a lot. Let’s see how the story unfolds:

 

Chapter 8  
Most of the time I don’t even get it what all these women are up to. They pretend to care about each other but obviously they don’t. They fake liking each other, yet they seem to be bordering on a good fight (preferably with some mud and.., well). And all the while the men are totally oblivious to the whole business. Also what struck me is the fact that they have nothing to do. The women have far too much time for themselves. Are there no hides to be tanned? No prisoners to be taunted? Oh, wait a minute, maybe Ms. Bingley regards Jane as her prisoner? What a wicked way to handle it! I’m beginning to like her a bit.

Chapter 9  
Hehe, your house shall never be free of Bennets, Mr. Darcy. Now the mother comes visiting with two more daughters. She’s really into this marrying off thing. Take that, Prick Darcy. Mrs. Bennet is not afraid to give you her true opinions. And Prick Darcy now talking poetry says it all, really.

Chapter 10  
Jup, that is proof enough. Darcy is totally ignorant about the women’s advances. He fancies his friend Mr. Bingley which is a hopeless case as Bingely is smitten with Jane. Serves him right. Apparently Bingley’s sister is unaware of it (as is Bingley himself) and continues her advances on Darcy. Should we pity him? Pity her? Neither, I say.

Right, that was the 10th chapter. About as many kids I have (I think) and I cannot count much further. As I can see I have not even read a quarter of the book. My dearest wish right now: that there will be some action very soon. My human laughs hysterically again, so by experience I shouldn’t get my hopes up too high. One tiny little monster or a quick skirmish would get me a long way right now. Please, Ms. Austen. One fight. Just one.

Chapter 11  
Watching some other person read a book is not proper entertainment for the evening. Go, end your life, Ms. Bingley. Prick Darcy won’t have you anyway. Uuuh, what is she doing? Dragging Lizzy into this? Big mistake, Caroline, very big mistake. I don’t get half of the banter between Prick and Lizzy but even I can see that he enjoys it far more than anyone expected, probably including himself. Maybe he likes to be bossed around for once. I have to admit she has an interesting dominant streak.

Chapter 12  
Whatever goes on in Prick Darcy’s head, I don’t get it. Does he fancy Lizzy or not? If so, why hesitate? The fact that she has a mind of her own should make the hunt only more fun. Like I said: impotent prick.  
And someone should have told Ms. Austen that she cannot mention a whipping just in passing. More details, please. What did the soldier do? How many lashes did he get?

Chapter 13  
Addition to the family party? Is Mr. Bennet finally taking a second wife? Oh no, I forgot. Not allowed. I’m just as confused as Mrs. Bennet right now. And I certainly have a bit of a problem with Mr. Bennet’s sense of humour.  
An heir. A total stranger, an heir? Hm, at least that guy seems to see the injustice of it all. Not that I usually care a lot for justice. I really don’t get it: How can some theoretical construction called “The Law” overrule Mr. Bennet’s wish to bequeath his property to whomever he likes? And what kind of guy is this clergyman? I’m quite sure he as nothing in common with the clerics of my tribe. Still no fight in sight. The most wimpish creature I ever beheld. I can perfectly imagine him babbling endlessly, much to the Bennets’ chagrin.

Chapter 14  
So why can’t Mr. Collins marry Lady Catherine and be off? Why didn’t Ms. Austen think of that? My human explains that first of all the Lady is a noble woman and someone like Collins was far beneath her status. I get that. Also she tells me about drama in story telling. (I feel a bit relieved but also slightly miffed about the fact this does not seem to be a true story but only made-up) So, apparently before it can get better it must get worse. Considering the fact that I’m not even halfway through the book this makes me fear the worst for myself and Mrs. Bennet.

Chapter 15  
Oh, now there’s a nice characterization of Mr. Collins. Self-conceit and a weak mind. Actually that sounds a lot like myself. Am I like this clergyman? No way. He’s an ingratiating weakling, I am a fearless warrior. Simple minded, yes, but you don’t need to do mathematical equations when entering a dungeon full of gnomes. There will be plenty. I would like to see Mr. Collins in that dungeon (any kind of dungeon, actually). Perhaps he might chatter the gnomes to sleep. But back to the chapter.  
So, he wants to marry one of the girls, any of them would do as it seems. With Jane being already pretty much spoken for it can only be poor Lizzy as the next in line. Mrs. Bennet seems only too happy to get Lizzy out of the house. Certainly that is a very sensible point of view but to marry Lizzy off to this clergyman? I assume again this has a lot to do with drama of story telling? (Human nods enthusiastically. I think she looks rather proud of me.)  
And now this soldier, Wickham. Too good to be true, isn’t he? This bodes us no good. The fact that he and Prick Darcy seem to know each other and their reactions when they met allows for some hope that there’ll be blood. Finally.


	4. Read along part III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thrakbog's view on the chapters 16 - 21

Chapter 16  
I am very tired of Mr. Collins’ long explanations and wonder how the Bennets can stand him just an hour longer.  
So, Lizzy has taken an immediate fancy to this soldier Wickham. Still in the first quarter of the novel, I fear this bodes ill for her marital bliss with that guy.  
You see, the strange thing is this: in this story the soldiers seem to be respectable and honorable men. From my personal experience with human soldiers I cannot confirm that impression. Quite the opposite, I have to say. Drunken mercenaries. Nothing wrong with that, if you ask me, but it’s such a striking difference in appearance that had me confused a bit. And to what use is the shiny red coat? Shouldn’t they wear some armor? If not chainmail at least some leather? There’s no mention of weapons either. They’re holding teacups. There’s something very wrong with that army.  
Also, the way Wickham is described… Ms. Austen praises him too much methinks. I have become rather suspicious due to this dramatic story-telling thingy. And here’s the thing: a soldier prefering the idle chit-chat of the ladies instead of playing cards? Something is indeed very wrong with Wickham. Either he’s a real sissy or he has an ulterior motive. Probably both.  
No, Lizzy! Come on! There must be more to this. Why should this complete stranger tell you his life story after only such a short acquaintance? Not that I think it beneath Prick Darcy to have treated Wickham badly. But the guy whines like a little girl. Why doesn’t he stand up to get what’s rightfully his? Sissy. He certainly has no pride at all. So finally we’re getting to the pride and the prejudice parts. Had me wondering already why the book was called like that.  
This story is going to be really interesting. Human behaviour. Never ceases to confuse me.

Chapter 17  
Chitchat, chitchat. Seriously, give the girls something more useful to occupy their time! Let them dig out some trenches. I mean, if there’s an army, then war is imminent, right?  
I’m beginning to get the gist of this: in one chapter something new comes up, in the following chapter this is discussed and analysed extensively. So, now it’s the Darcy-Wickham business. For once I am with boring Jane: one does not know what to think. (In fact, that is often the case with me)  
And finally Lizzy gets it too: she’s supposed to become Mrs. Collins. Even I was aware of it before she was. Does anybody gets to marry the person she or he really wants in this book? And what about that strange fact that the girls cannot leave the house when it rains? Is there a rain monster outside? What is wrong with these humans?

Chapter 18  
Another ball. Soldiers dancing in fancy dress. Guys, you’re very lucky that there are apparently no orcs anywhere nearby. Wouldn’t survive one little skirmish.  
And Wickham turns out to be not only a sissy but also a coward. No surprise there. You can say about Prick Darcy whatever you like but he certainly does not shy away from a confrontation. And he’s obviously a masochist, asking Lizzy to dance with him. I cannot shake off the impression that there was a lot more going on while they danced beside what they actually talked about. My human nods vehemently and praises my empathy. Whatever that is. Someone on twitter has accused me of it as well. Is it frightening people? I hope so. But I somehow doubt that it is something praise-worthy among orc warriors. Oh, that’s what their dance reminded me of: a duel. Could almost (amost!) imagine them both wielding a morningstar or a battleaxe. Actually I think Lizzy might be an excellent fighter. She certainly has the fierceness. And although she talks a great deal, that never keeps her from taking action whenever neccessary.

Chapter 19  
I dread to think what’s going to happen next. No, no, no! Don’t do it, Lizzy! Really, Mrs. Bennet, I can understand your motivation but surely you must see that Lizzy could do much better than marry this clergyman!  
Well, you have to admire Lizzy’s politeness and patience with that stupid man. I would have prefered her to wield the morningstar right there. I could never have remained silent had I been in her …, hang on, don’t go there. Stop it! Nope. I refuse to envision myself in a dress with lace all over it, sitting in a drawing room and awaiting the proposal of whomever. Damn. Too late.

Chapter 20  
Cheers, Mr. Bennet. Well done. But don’t you forget that this has been all your fault in the first place. Had you shown more effort to marry off the girls, Mrs. Bennet needn’t have been so desperate right now. And sensible Charlotte saving the day. I like her.

Chapter 21  
Hang on, what’s going on now? Bingley leaving without taking Jane with him? Did I miss something? (Don’t answer, that is a rectal.., a rascal, a retro…, well it is a question that need not be answered) Maybe Bingley was taken prisoner by Prick Darcy in order to secure him for himself.  
So, a third into the book, still none of the girls gotten rid of.


	5. Read along part IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thrakbog's view on the chapters 22 - , well, see for yourself.

I’m on fire! I went through 7 chapters in the last couple of days. It is also a bit worrying as I normally have an incredibly short attention span but I seem to have found something to enjoy as I get older. The fact that I can get older as an orc is something of a miracle in itself. Under normal circumstances (living amongst my fellow orcs), I would be smacked on the head with a morningstar in the near future. An orc over the age of thirty is a rare sight to be seen. Perhaps living apart from my tribe is not the worst that ever happened to me. Well, I know for certain that worse things already happened and I might feel inclined to tell you about some of that in the days or weeks to come. But for now let’s see what Ms. Austen had in store for us.

Chapter 22  
Holy shit, Charlotte!

Is it clever? Is it incredibly stupid? Let’s see: she is far more clever than Mr. Collins, so she will probably be able to manipulate him to do whatever she wants. Good choise then. On the other hand he is dull and tiresome. Won’t she hate him for it soon enough? Perhaps she has already a solution in mind. A fake accident or monster attack. Who’d care if in a couple of weeks there were a note of his demise? On second thoughts I wonder if any of my wives had similar ideas when I took them home. Perhaps I should watch my back if I ever go home…

Chapter 23  
I don’t think that Mrs. Bennet and Lizzy will ever get on with each other. From a mother’s point of view I can perfectly understand…, hang on, I mean… Not that I ever… Let’s say, from a parent’s point of view I can understand her anger. There she was, totally convinced that she would get rid of at least one of her daughters and then what?  
Nothing.  
Again.  
I wonder how they feed all the girls. It’s never mentioned that they go hunting, looting or pillaging.

Chapter 24  
I’m beginning to question Lizzy’s power of judgement. She certainly was blinded by that Wickham guy and now she blames Caroline for keeping Bingley away from Jane. It is pretty obvious that it is all Prick Darcy’s doing as he wants to keep his friend for himself. But of course it is a heavy blow to Mrs. Bennet’s efforts to be rid of her.

Chapter 25  
I’m getting a bit tired of all the discussions about the girls not marrying. Would be nice for a change to get some action. So Jane is taken away to a big city. That sounds promising. As far as I know that means danger. Nice.  
Big city means thieves guilds, monsters in the sewer system, intrigues, wizards. Looking forward to that.

Chapter 26  
Hm, Jane’s first report from the big city says nothing about monsters. Not even a single thief. Perhaps it was raining most of the time so she couldn’t leave the house. Silly human rule.

Chapter 27  
Now Lizzy goes on a journey as well. Travelling by coach. If I know anything for sure that must mean only one thing: an ambush. (I’ve been there many times, always a joy). Come on, Ms. Austen! A simple ambush, you can do it! I mean, if I can do it so can anyone else. Just throw some tree trunks in the way, eat the horses, steal the girls, there you go.

Chapter 28  
What is wrong with you, Austen? Not even an accident?  
And to top it all, Mr. Collins pops up again.

***

“WTF, Thrakbog?”, you might say. And yes, you’re absolutely right. Those were my exact words too. I finally ate the bloody book. I couldn’t bear it any longer. Idiot Darcy telling Lizzy that he loved her. And proposing to her. I mean, seriously? The man was clearly delusional. Trust me, he was. I know an awful lot about halluzinating, given that I frequently drink the stuff the brewer concocts. And I guarantee you, Prick Darcy has completely lost his marbles. All of them. The ones in his head and those a bit further down, which I heard described as the family jewels. The man has got no balls!  
No longer able to call him Prick Darcy, I ended his and my own misery and ate the bloody book.  
Will go out for a catsnack and be a proper orc again. I really should have known. Orcs don’t read books.  
Although I have to admit that Lady Catherine de Bourgh had some potential for becoming a truly evil overlord. Uhm, overlady. Oh, well. Never mind.  
I feel some wanderlust growing inside me. At least I hope it is wanderlust. Otherwise I’d have to reconsider eating books in the future. I normally digest rusty nails and monster-steaks but the written word could prove inedible and hard to swollow.  
So wanderlust it is. Where shall I go? Will do some research to find out where I might find a magic portal. But first: cat. Or dog. I’m not picky.


End file.
